Anxiety, Depression and Insomnia...Oh, My!

It's 1 am and I am tired. But I'm not sleepy. I lay there squeezing my eyes shut, willing myself to sleep, but it doesn't work that way. So here I am instead, typing away for myself. Blogs are touted as communication tools. Ultimately they're self centered and motivated by the need to express, not necessarily to share, your thoughts. It feels like communication. Unless someone reads and responds, though, it's a lonely business. Anxiety and depression have been my companions for lo! these many years. I have always leaned on God's strength and the love of my family to help me cope. Lately, though, my coping mechanisms have failed me. I can see, logically, that I am not a failure, hated by all. That doesn't make the feelings go away. The panic, the dread, the jibbering coward curled up somewhere near my stomach...these are all very real to me. The Lord who created me in His image, who did not give me a spirit of fear but of love and of a sound mind, is even more real to me. I see Him as if I am looking up from under the water in a deep well. (Think, "The Ring") I know He's there, but I feel far away from Him. He said, "Draw near to me, and I will draw near to you." I want to curl up in His lap and never leave. In the words of the band Benjamin Gate, "Oh hold me and heal me. Keep my heart in Your hand."

People who feel the Bible is not relevant for their lives today have truly not read it. The book of Lamentations Ecclesiastes is so encouraging to me sometimes. (Sorry it was 1 in the morning. I went to read it this morning and had to come correct this). If you've read it, you may think that's a strange statement, but bear with me. King Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived, because he asked God for wisdom. As wise as he was, he was still a very powerful king and had at his disposal riches and power like none of us could dream of having. He tried everything. He decided he was going to live life for all it was worth. He had over a thousand wives, drank, gambled, fought...you name it. In the end, can you imagine what he found? He decided that there is nothing new under the sun, and everything was pointless without God at the center of it. He was depressed. If this great man of God, the one appointed to build the Temple, lost hope at times; why should I feel like a failure because I have, too? I have been over-stressed for a long period of time, and my endorphins have crashed to zilch. I am out of balance, and my mind is sunk in a dark place. I haven't lost faith that God can heal. But I'm not sure I will be able to do the right things to help myself. Of course, that may be the point. There are times we need to take up our beds and walk. Then there are times to be still and know that He is God. God, right now I am floundering. I keep trying to think in the same terms of things I'd like to accomplish and what I "should" do. Help me to become a child again for a while and wait for You to heal my heart and mind, then show me what You want me to do next. I will stand quietly for You are the Lord.