Partly Gripy with a Chance of Silver Lining

I used to be such a positive person. I shall not lay the blame at any person or company's door, but the last six months have left me despondent, downtrodden, sickly and hopeless at times. I know in my spirit and in my head that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you choose to do with it. Well, I am so tired of trying to make lemonade out of lemons that I sometimes just lie here. My health has greatly deteriorated. My doctor now has me on antibiotics, Enablex, a stool softener, and straight progesterone besides my blood pressure pills and vitamins. I don't feel like eating a lot of the time, because my bowels are so irregular I am just nauseated. I had an ultrasound yesterday. I don't remember ever being in pain throughout an ultrsound. Everything from my navel to the tops of my thighs is tender, front and back. If you are a praying person, please pray for my health, and mostly for my attitude to line back up with God's perspective. The upside of this (giggle, snort) is that when I do eat, I have been craving fruit, runny eggs, juice, juicy meat, soup, fresh tomatoes...just the kind of stuff I should be eating. And I have been eating a whole lot less of it. Thus, the following results in a relatively short amount of time. If this is the Lord's way of getting my rebelliousness out of the way, then thank You, Jesus. Either way, I pray that when I am feeling better I can continue on this new fresh, healthy food diet and add some exercise.

Current weight: 274 (loss of 20 pounds since Nov 30, 30 pounds since Halloween)
Midriff: 48" (loss of 5.5")
Bust: 50.5" (loss of 1.75")
Waist: 51.5" (loss of 3.5")
Hips: 56.25" (loss of 3")

Another Day, Another Battle

Depression seems to be a never ending battle. Like the hydra in Greek mythology, you take off one of its ugly heads and it comes back double. I count my blessings, of which there are many. I contemplate the goodness of God. I take my 5HTP (sort of) regularly. Yet, I have days, sometimes a few together, where life just seems like a never ending travelogue with stops at all my failures and shortcomings.

We all make mistakes. We all fall short of the glory of God, and of what we expect of ourselves. Most of the time I know that the Lord holds none of my past against me, because He extended his forgiveness when I asked. He has promised it is so. Of course the enemy keeps a list. And our own subconscious minds don't forget anything. So I gang up on myself sometimes and get the living daylights beat out of me. I have to remember that my expectations tend to be ridiculously high, so when I don't meet them it's probably not as bad as it seems. I should focus on what I have accomplished rather than what I haven't. That isn't easy for someone like me, but I'll try again. I'm feeling better today than I have for a few days. The coughing and other health issues have not helped my outlook, but I refuse to stay down forever.

If you have gone through depression, or are walking through that valley now, just know that you are not alone. This, too, shall pass. Wake up every morning and know that God has great plans for you today if you can stop looking inward long enough to see them.

My next post will be about the giveaway in April. Nothing big, just an appreciation drawing. The contest is open to everyone who has and will sign up to follow my blog between now and April 15.

"Before" Pictures

Okay I am a couple days late posting this. I didn't realize how much I dreaded taking pictures of myself designed specifically to show off my size. According to Bodybuilding.com, posting these pictures and my goals makes it 300% more likely that I will succeed. Anyone who is going on this journey with me, I encourage you to post pics of your own. I have an account at http://www.atkins.com/ and at http://www.bodybuilding.com/. These sites have tools, encouragement and forums to talk to folks going through the same thing. Any journey is easier and more fun with friends! So, check out my pictures. I will post progress pictures here and on the other two sites, as well as how I am following the plan, among other things. Comment, sign up to follow my blog, email me...Post your own successes! I really appreciate those of you who read my blog. I will announce a giveaway soon, to coincide with my birthday in April. Check back here often and tell your friends!

On the Edge Peeking Over

The sheer magnificence of our God and His creation can sometimes take my breath away. I don't know if 2010 will be the year of Christ's return, but I want to live as if it is. This body, this mind, my family, my home, this opportunity to pursue the desire of my heart...all these things show me His love for me. Not His love for all humanity, but just for me. Like an ardent lover He woos us individually with special sights, like this rainbow; with small answered prayers that no one else would even care to hear about; with gentle comfort in sadness. He deserves our worship and awe, but He desires our love. Make this the year you turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full on His wonderful face. Make this the year you fall in love with the Lover of your soul.

The Original AVATAR

My family and I went to see the much-hyped James Cameron movie "Avatar." It was beautiful, and contained many not-so-subtle moral lessons. I am second to none in my realization that sometimes nations and men are blinded by their purpose and stomp all over anyone who gets in their way. It is tragic and un-Christian. However, to continually beat ourselves over the head with the perceived guilt of our forbears serves little purpose. That is also un-Christian. Jesus, the original Avatar, taught us to forgive others and ourselves. We cannot go forward with any real integrity unless we are able to leave the past in the past. What has been done cannot be changed with any number of belated apologies or entitlements.

Jesus came to Earth to free us from this kind of insidious manipulation by the enemy. Satan wants us to remain captive to our insecurity, greed, lust and fear. If we can look at our mistakes and sins without rationalizing, and without self-flagellation, then give them to the One Who has already cast them into the sea of forgetfulness, we can finally learn to walk free like He did.

The God Who was and is and is to come, poured Himself into His creation. He designed this beautiful world with us in mind. He could have made it any way He pleased, but He made it to please us. He gave us senses and emotions to truly enjoy the works of His hands. Like a lover who wants to give everything He is to the one He loves, God waits to see your reaction. Will you acknowledge His love and sacrifice? When it became clear that we would tend to get caught up in ourselves and wander from His beautiful plan for us, He, Himself, came down in the form of one of us. Like the avatars in the movie, He wanted to experience life the way we do. He wanted to relate to us and have us relate to Him. It's easier to understand Him as Jesus, the man, because we are human. We have never been omnipotent gods, and could not always grasp what He wanted us to know. He came in human form to get closer to us, and allow us to get closer to Him. What a great God we have.