Another Day, Another Battle

Depression seems to be a never ending battle. Like the hydra in Greek mythology, you take off one of its ugly heads and it comes back double. I count my blessings, of which there are many. I contemplate the goodness of God. I take my 5HTP (sort of) regularly. Yet, I have days, sometimes a few together, where life just seems like a never ending travelogue with stops at all my failures and shortcomings.

We all make mistakes. We all fall short of the glory of God, and of what we expect of ourselves. Most of the time I know that the Lord holds none of my past against me, because He extended his forgiveness when I asked. He has promised it is so. Of course the enemy keeps a list. And our own subconscious minds don't forget anything. So I gang up on myself sometimes and get the living daylights beat out of me. I have to remember that my expectations tend to be ridiculously high, so when I don't meet them it's probably not as bad as it seems. I should focus on what I have accomplished rather than what I haven't. That isn't easy for someone like me, but I'll try again. I'm feeling better today than I have for a few days. The coughing and other health issues have not helped my outlook, but I refuse to stay down forever.

If you have gone through depression, or are walking through that valley now, just know that you are not alone. This, too, shall pass. Wake up every morning and know that God has great plans for you today if you can stop looking inward long enough to see them.

My next post will be about the giveaway in April. Nothing big, just an appreciation drawing. The contest is open to everyone who has and will sign up to follow my blog between now and April 15.

Prozac- Uncomfortably Numb

Before he referred me to a therapist, my medical doctor put me on Prozac again. We had tried this years ago. I hated it then. I hate it now. But it does help keep the downs from being so down. I don't know how it is for others, but when I take Prozac, I feel as if I am mummy-wrapped in a fine mesh gauze. There is no such thing anymore as skin to skin contact. I am remote, like I have partially phased out of this plane of existence and experience everything just a nanometer removed. Pray for me, friends, that I will soon be strong enough to do without this bubble wrap protection for my emotions.

I do see progress. The most important thing is the time I spend with my family now. I am having regular devotions. I am singing again...I hope to post video soon of my rendition of "Our Hope Endures" by Natalie Grant. If you haven't heard it, look it up online. It's one of my favorite songs. In the chorus it says, "Let the earth quake, our hope is unchanged." Amen. 

Good Lord! How depressing is it to write about depression?! I could write about the amusing antics of my middle aged cat, but she made me mad today. We forgot to put her out last night, so she left us a smelly lump of poop on the couch as a reminder never to do that again. Cats are vindictive creatures. Anyone who says otherwise either does not know cats, or they are trying to give away kittens. I have been grateful many times over the last two years that we bought a leather couch. Highly recommended if  you have cats, animals or if you never remember to vacuum your cushions. I love my Shadhafur in spite of her annoying eccentricities. Don't tell my husband, but I even love our manipulative prima donna dog, Bandit. He is so prissy, he won't go out in the grass to potty if it's been raining. He'll go on the driveway so he doesn't get his precious paws all wet. Have you EVER? I would wonder about my ability to potty train anything correctly if I didn't have two teenagers who mastered the whole bodily functions thing at an early age.

I started this post 12 hours ago and am finally putting it, and myself, to bed. Jessica and Brian are watching "The Illusionist" AGAIN. It's a wonderful movie. Please watch it if you haven't. Brennan has his best friend over and they are sitting in Brennan's room, four feet from each other, chatting on separate laptops instead of out loud to each other while they go on quests to fight the Horde on World of Warcraft. I have been reading my new "Mother Earth News" issue. I'm looking for relatively easy and inexpensive ways to go solar or wind powered, or both. The electric company is getting more greedy and ridiculous all the time, and I plan to go "off the grid" or at least make the majority of our own energy by this time next year. I'll let you all know how that progresses. I told Brian, again, that I want to get chickens. We eat a lot of eggs when we are doing low-carb.

My yeast killing diet has lasted for 2 days, but I broke down and went to McDonald's tonight due to having company and being too draggy to get to the store today. Back on track tomorrow.